It’s rough. There’s nothing wrong with your baby. You’re doing a great job. It’s just rough. Until one day when it isn’t anymore. I can't promise when that day will be. Maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe when they're 16. So figure out what works for you and your family unit. And don’t stress that it seems harder than all the stupid Instagram mommy sleep hack accounts tell you it should be. They're selling anecdotes as strategy. Ignore them.
The Newborn Stage
What worked for us in the first few weeks was finding a “shifts” rhythm. I would go to bed at 10ish. Evan would keep baby until 2/3a. Either giving bottle or bringing into me to feed depending on what kid needed. But he was responsible for burping, etc. I JUST fed and handed baby right back. I would take over at 2/3a, and have baby til about 7a. With Cleo we were lucky and a grandparent would usually be able to come over and take baby from 7a-10/11a and let us both get more sleep. With Mouse we still had that help but Cleo was up so I would hand Mouse off to grandparent and do morning with Cleo. Then try to get a 2+hr nap later in the day.
That schedule worked for us (sort of—it was hell but everyone survived). Find what works for you. Be realistic and honest of what you’re capable of—don’t let one parent martyr for more than a day or two. Evan is incapable of waking up in the middle of the night then going back to sleep. It’s hard for me to stay up til 3a. Figure out what works for you. For the first few weeks whoever was “on” kept baby out in living room so the other person actually slept.
Sleep Training
You can’t really sleep train til like 4 months at the earliest for most kids, and 6 months is like for sure good. So general plan is survival mode til then. 3-4 months is hopefully when nighttime sleep at least starts to stretch out regardless, but again every kid is different.
We did sleep train Cleo and we will sleep train Mouse. Lots of people have lots of opinions about this. It’s one of the nuclear Mommy Wars. There’s lots of research that says IT DOESNT MATTER. There’s no long term impact one way or the other. You know what DOES have long term impact? If you can’t be the parent you want to be because you’re exhausted. So do whatever works for you. Whatever you are comfortable with. That’s what’s best for your kid.
We liked the Happy Sleeper method. We modified in that during checks we would touch/comfort her. But still very briefly. It’s worth buying the book—we go back and reference it still for both kids. Basically it’s checking on them every five minutes of protesting. Like if they’re actually crying. If they cry/settle/cry/settle you don’t go in unless there’s actually 5m of sustained crying. It’s tough. It worked for us with Cleo within 5 days.
We haven’t started truly sleep training Mouse yet but we DID just move away from Snoo at about 5.5mo. He’s doing great. Will report back.
Cosleeping
I didn’t cosleep with Cleo mostly because I was terrified. I cosleep with Mouse a lot. Again, do what is right for you. The doctor-okayed cosleeping rules are strict. Firm mattress. On the floor. No pillow no blanket.
I’m an incredibly light sleeper, I don’t move at all, and when I do cosleep with him it’s like I sleep like a dolphin. Only half my brain is asleep at a time. So it’s not great sleep for me. But it’s workable. I’m comfortable with this call for us. You’ll figure out what you’re comfortable with.
Swaddles
We have favorites here, but I’m breaking those out into a separate post so you can dig into the details. The short version: size matters (babies grow long before wide), and pay attention to TOG ratings based on how your kid sleeps. Cleo slept hot—onesie only for months. Mouse sleeps cool and wants all the blankets. You’ll figure out your kid.